‘So how do I know she doesn’t want it?’
‘Is there a code for that?’
‘Or like, will she just say it? She should just say it.’
‘I don’t know if I’m being creepy or flirtatious. It’s difficult to distinguish.’
Believe it or not, these are actual sentences spoken by men. Surprisingly (not), a lot of humans with penises fail to see the obvious line between consent and sexual assault. Or flirting and being creepy. First of all, the fact that you even have to ask this question is red flag enough. Second, there is a plain and simple answer to questions of this sort: Use your damn brain. But hey, I might be wrong. Because I’m a woman. Obviously.
Men are blessed with great minds. We all know that. They understand the deepest complexities of life like what a certain football player might have whispered during a game, that a grain of salt was missing from the mustard sandwich their wife made, that there is one letter common in the names of each of their crazy exes, how all women can’t drive because they share the same chromosome, etc. Since it takes them so much effort to keep track of everything that is wrong with the world and the fact that men are the only bearers of brains that are actually used, it is natural for them to not understand the meaning of consent. Well, allow me to womansplain this for you. With permission from your chromosome, of course. Because apparently, I can’t even talk about consent without your consent.
Let me begin by saying that ‘Not All Men’ are confused about this particular distinction. Lest I offend one of your kind. I wouldn’t want that to happen because then I’d be accused of playing the victim. I digress. So when do you know a woman doesn’t want to have sex with you? It’s a complicated situation indeed, I get it.
These are the verbal cues you can look out for: ‘NO’, ‘I don’t want to’, ‘Maybe next time’, ‘I’m not comfortable’, ‘I don’t think so’, ‘I don’t feel like it’. Stuff like that.
This can be said at any point, for example, she might say no even after you’ve taken half your clothes off and you’re ready to pound her into the night. I’m sorry to tell you, friend, it’s frustrating but you ain’t getting any tonight. Don’t be sad though. If you back off when she says no, she’ll be so impressed and surprised because this has never happened before without her having to push a guy off ten times after saying no-that she’ll probably start worshipping you in her head. It’s a thing. Believe me. Women aren’t used to men stepping back immediately when told to. We usually think you’re going to get violent or call us whores.
If your moral compass doesn’t appeal you enough for you to withdraw when she says no, maybe the potential ego boost of her thinking highly of you will make you want to respect her consent. Ego is especially important for men, no? I’ve realised it’s actually the most important thing in the world. You have to ensure that the fragility of the ego continues to increase with every no uttered in your presence. But think about the possibilities: your chances of getting laid in the near future increase when you understand what consent is.
Now, you’re probably going to ask what the non-verbal cues of consent entail. Here’s a breakdown: She’ll pull away more the more you try to pull her in. She’ll flinch when you touch her. She’ll kiss you back with zero enthusiasm. She’ll push you off of her. This and other subjective non-verbal actions are indications of lack of consent. If this is difficult for you to understand, think about that time you were dead sure she wanted to sleep with you when she gave you a smile from across the street. If ‘she wants me’, is a thought that occurs in your head every single time a girl touches your arm when she laughs at your joke, then ‘she doesn’t want me’, could also be a thought that crosses your educated and evolved ape-brain when she wiggles out of your hug too quickly.
See, it’s not that difficult to understand after all. But I get why most men don’t see the obviously blurred line between consent and sexual assault. You’ve been taught that your ego is more important than anything else in the world. So what would a small ‘no’ mean in comparison to that?
Sexual assault is when that ‘blurred’ line is crossed. But let’s not go into the legal connotations of it. Let’s keep it simple. When she consents, it’s sex. When she doesn’t consent, it’s not sex.
To conclude, here’s an urban dictionary definition of consent in case my female brain was unable to convince you of it: The achievement of willful acknowledgment, sexual acceptance and eventually permission (whether expressly stated or implied) by a female/male, to an advance made by a member/member(s) of the same/opposite sex.
In the likely event that this is disputed, this argument is supported by the fact that women can also not understand the meaning of consent sometimes and that not all men are this dumb, much as I’d like to believe.