“Nice guys finish last.”
Greenday said it, Dr Robert Glover said it, heck there was a movement which was started by AIB (Pyaar Ek Dhoka Hai) which had the resemblance of it. When we think of Nice Guys, the first thing that passes through our heads is someone who is a nice person but with little luck at his side. Guys who think they are nice, usually think they get hard done by and the asshole always gets the girl. As clichéd as it sounds, this could be related by most guys. But what’s the difference between a Nice Guy and an Asshole anyway?
Think of the most commonly occurring situation in the world: there is a shy, nice guy who has a crush on an attractive woman. He spends weeks trying to tell her how he feels about her and calculates all the risks involved. He knows from the moment he has laid his eyes on her, that he wants her. Finally, when he musters up all the courage he needs, she tells him she likes someone else, or worse, that she is dating. This situation is so common that PUA (Pick up artist) have made a living for themselves just by teaching the less fortunate ones the technique of getting through such situations.
In the given situation, there are two things that a typical ‘Nice Guy’ does. Chases her endlessly despite she her clearly stating that nothing would ever materialize. Or stays friends with her with the hope that one day she will realise that he was the ‘Right one’. Even though at some level such effort is commendable, when the resolve of the ‘Nice Guy’ finally crumbles, it results in them in unleashing a barrage of rants.
According to Dr Robert Glover( the author of ‘No More Mr Nice Guy), following are the traits of a nice guy:
~He is dishonest and says what he believes people want to hear.
~He hides his true intentions.
~He uses manipulation instead of asking for what he wants directly.
~He only gives to get and gets frustrated when he isn’t appreciated.
~He can’t set boundaries and say “No!`Has no sense of Individuality
~He is afraid of a conflict as it could anger the other people
~Doesn’t take responsibility for his own actions
~Is submissive AF
~Has the need to be constantly validated
~Plays the victim card
~Has low self-esteem and doesn’t value himself or his time
If you do have the following above/aforementioned traits, the chances are, you are a nice guy. The truth is that most “nice guys” don’t think they’re doing anything wrong. For years they will try to struggle to attract women and when they finally date one, they end up losing her and join the “Pyaar Ek Dhoka Hai” movement (subjective). They do the same thing over and over again, and when nothing changes for them, they blame everything else but themselves.
The problem with a Nice person isn’t that they are nice, it is that the explicitly shy away from stating any romantic interest they’re interacting with. When a nice guys repress their actual feelings because they fear the outcome, they are just delaying the inevitable, not changing it, and that results them being in the zone that nobody comes back from, “The Friendzone”.
When someone tries to do the complete opposite of the list which is mentioned above, they become assholes, and it doesn’t actually accomplish their purpose anyway. The only escape from being a “The Nice Guy” is to set boundaries. If you live for someone else, you would do things which are for their best interest, but if it doesn’t align in your interest then it’s probably not worth doing.
The journey from a “Nice Guy to “Recovering Nice Guy” isn’t easy but it is salubrious to one’s mental health. It is easier said than done but one can start by doing the following:
~Get rid of shame and fear of being sexual.
~Never avoid conflict because you are scared to lose a sexual opportunity.
– Be ready to walk away from circumstances and people
-Don’t try to make a bad relationship work
-Never be a wimp and never act like a victim
-Don’t try to control the things out of your control
You don’t have to be an Alpha Male to be successful, you just need to have enough respect and integrity. As the board outside Joey and Chandler’s dressing room once read “Real Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last”.